I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
