i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
