mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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