just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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