you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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