i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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