just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If I die, sorry about rent.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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