I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
