Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
