I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
