Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She bit a glass in half.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
