just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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