it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
