You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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