I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think my vagina is haunted
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize