I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
