Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
