Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just high enough for therapy.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
