Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
