You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
