Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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