true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
How naked do you want me to be?
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