my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
