I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
