I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize