Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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