We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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