Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
