I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize