told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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