I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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