Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
