i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
