I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
