hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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