i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
