Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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