the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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