last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize