I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
