My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
