In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
