apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
