Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
