go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
you inspire me to be a worse person
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
