I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
