So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
