No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
