A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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