you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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