thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
