Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
