sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
