chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
