Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
