3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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