Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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